You probably know that only 1/10 of an iceberg is visually exposed and the rest is deeply hidden under the sea. For many years of my life I avoided looking at that 9/10 of my life’s iceberg, which was full of jealousy, selfishness and self-pride, from which I have suffered a lot. AfL has given me the courage of self-exploration to dig and to transform struggles into the values of love, care and unselfishness. I have realised that my life is the search for the truth. But to do that, I first have to find the inner strength to face unacceptable sides of my character, explore and transform them. Living honestly in the truth, which starts with finding it within myself and then finding it in the outside world, gives me freedom.

I strongly identify with my Islamic culture and travelling for 9 months has helped me to see the strong and weak points of both myself and my culture. In Indonesia and Malaysia I met many Muslims and felt hope as I saw people finding ways to make their faith relevant in the fast developing modern Asia. I began to think beyond my boundaries and expand my vision for what I could do in my homeland. I am learning to believe in myself and to be strong enough to stand alone for the values which are needed. Therefore I have taken a challenging decision not to pay any bribes in my job. Also, I hope to work in solidarity with Altaf Khan (AfL2) and other colleagues who have a passion to see a better society.

AfL has helped me to get free from some of my preoccupied ideas and attitudes, and has shown me how much still needs to be changed. In realising that we are all interconnected I’ve seen how much I’m still in “my” reality with “my” problems and “my” belongings. But in order to really help others I have to leave my comfortable place. In Russian, compassion means “suffering together”. People often receive help from high places when what they really need is someone standing by their side. Even at home, I often offered friends advice when they really just needed me to listen. I will return with a new conviction to move away from my security to a place where I can truly help.

I’ve wasted time in my life covering up my true self by presenting different images to those around me. But there is no reason to hide from myself or from others. I am who I am with strengths and faults just as everyone. I realised that we are each made beautifully and our weaknesses are part of that. Despite shortcomings, I found we are each equipped with all we need to contribute in our own unique way to life. AfL challenged me to live that belief with integrity – to live in love and not in fear.

Through my participation on AfL, I faced my shadow side honestly. I found that I was jealous, over-relied on others for security and carried with me hatred for my father which stopped me from loving others truly and deeply. I took a challenge to take off the mask I show to the world and I accepted myself. I built up personal security from my inner heart. Most importantly, I was able to forgive my father and love him again. Now I am learning to love people without being afraid of the pain that deep love can cause.

For several years my only focus was on professional success. Having studied in a renowned Mexican university and spending several years in Europe made me believe that I could achieve everything I wanted. AfL has given me the chance to rethink the way I was living. I have realised that when we fly high, we need to keep our eyes on the ground so as not to lose direction. In these months I have met people with many more struggles and challenges than mine; people who have lost their entire families, who live on less than one dollar a day. These people have given me more ideas than all the books I read at university. This journey has been a great lesson in humility and care for others. My stay in Asia has strengthened my conviction to work in the field of human rights and sustainable development.

AfL awakened me to life. I came with the sentiment that I was not living. My life was passing by me and I was a simple spectator. I lacked purpose and I was looking for a calling though I never dared to think that I could make a difference. Through AfL I overcame my nervousness and gained confidence. I grew and learnt in 9 months as much as in 9 years! I had time to take a look to myself, to understand my past and to start seeing a more meaningful future. A question grew in my heart: ‘How do I use my life and the blessings God gave me?’ I’m ready to continue the adventure I started – the journey in faith and commitment. I received a lot and I want to give back and turn my life towards others.

Through this opportunity to live in diverse community I have learned that our differences are not a weakness – they are our strength. Another significant learning for me is a deeper understanding of my life. For the last few years I have been in a constant run. I realised that I need to stop, look back and see whether the way I lived was the way I actually wanted to live my life. Have I not created a gap between my ideal and my reality? Having received so many precious experiences, I feel privileged and look forward to face other challenges when I go back to my country and continue the journey. In a way, it is only just beginning!

Before, I saw God’s will as ‘optional’. If it fit into my own agenda I welcomed it, but if it didn’t I would justify my selfish action by saying, ‘I am enjoying life and God wants me to be happy’. But since seeing the terrible reality of life for millions in India, the painful effect of the 1969 race riots in Malaysia, and the anguish of broken relationships in my own life and in the lives of others in our group, I realised something: If not myself, my society or nation, someone else pays the price for selfishness. Gaining a conscience and responsibility for the world has given me a determination to put things right in my own life, see what my role is in serving humanity and putting God’s will first.